Ask Amy: I don’t think I can handle being in my brother’s wedding party

Dear Amy: My little brother asked me to join their wedding party. I was shocked in a good way.

I have never been asked to join a wedding party before. I love and respect my little brother very much, even though we are not very close.

While I want to support them on their special day, I’m anxious to get up in front of people and the wedding isn’t even until next year. Any presentations I had to give during school through graduate school resulted in my face/body getting so red that I was asked if I had a severe sunburn.

A beta-blocker helped sometimes, but it wasn’t guaranteed.

I also have hyperhidrosis, where I can easily sweat through an entire outfit within minutes and be left with wet clothes that people can see. How do I break the news to my brother that I want to do it but just don’t think I can handle it?

My anxiety about not being the center of attention led me and my fiance to plan a private wedding with only our young children and parents in attendance. My brother doesn’t know this yet (marriage date not set), so should I break this news at the same time?

How can I say this so that no feelings are hurt?

Very shy: It was like your brother included you in their wedding party.

You’ve probably been to weddings, so you know that when you’re in the wedding party, you’re up there with others — and the focus is mostly on the couple getting married.

However, the attendants are definitely in the scene, and the idea of ​​it gives you a lot of anxiety. You should be honest in your answer.

I guess your brother can foresee that this would be difficult for you. So respond (sooner rather than later): “I’m really honored that you asked me to stand with you! But I’m too nervous to do this, so I hope it’s okay if I cheer you on from the sidelines. I think that’s the most I can do.”

Ask if there are other ways you can help during the planning process.

When it comes to your own marriage, you shouldn’t conflate these two conversations. You have every right to plan and enjoy your own wedding however you choose, but you should do your best to separate the two events.

Dear Amy: For decades I did my own taxes, until a few years ago when we got audited. After that, I found a local company to handle personal income taxes.

Recently the state revenue service informed us that our accountant made a very basic mistake — she entered federal income instead of state income on one of our state tax returns.

I emailed our accountant the letter from the state and asked if it was true that we owe nothing. He wrote back, “That’s right. Thanks for sharing!”

It definitely undermines my trust in her and I feel helpless without the expertise to spot other mistakes. And honestly, it pisses me off that he didn’t admit he was wrong. Ever since our expensive audit, everything about taxes has been intimidating and I’m not sure what to do — get a different accountant, switch firms?

Or should I hope he learned from his mistake?

Stress: This is a business relationship. Yes, people make mistakes, but when someone you hire makes a mistake, they need to admit it, correct it, and then work to restore your confidence.

Because this is a new deal and your accountant hasn’t done any of these things, you’ll need to contact the company and ask to be paired with a different accountant.

Interview this new person and make sure they are strong communicators.

Dear Amy: Thank you for encouraging people to tip generously.

These days tips are split across a whole range of staff and can include the busser, runner, dishwasher, janitorial staff and cook.

So when you tip, look at the dining room floor and think about how the tip goes to many of them — and rethink that it’s a rating system for the server.

Until the tipping system is fixed, the workers are living off those tips.

Generous: Thanks for offering this very good advice.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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